Dear, Moron who drives a shitty little car at 60km/h in the fast lane

Dear, Moron who drives a shitty little car at 60km/h in the fast lane,

How are you doing? My, oh my, it's been a while! Well, it hasn't really. It's been exactly 5 hours since I was stuck behind you on the highway, staring at the back of your car which you choose to use as an invitational canvas to portray to the world what kind of life you live. The Johnny Walker "keep walking" sticker, telling us that you like to party, but that you keep it classy when you do. The half-peeled Apple sticker on your bumper, indicative of your consumer habits and brand loyalty. Your family stick figures, showing me that not only are you are capable enough of supporting a stick-figure wife and offspring, but also that you have a canine companion that is important enough to be considered part of the family and represented in this adhesive art form.

I feel some sort of bond developed between us during the 25 minutes that I was stuck behind you on my way to work. The cars that kept overtaking you on the left didn't seem to deter you in the least from your slow-moving habits, and quite frankly, that's admirable. A man that sticks to his principles! You don't get many of those any more, but you defy social norms and stuck it to THE MAN by showing us that nowhere is it indicated that there is a minimum speed limit on our roads to be adhered to.

Just want to point out that I did notice that your car smoked quite a bit during shift-changes, and I'm not certain if that's entirely attributed to your rings being shot or the strain your car took on itself to haul you and your gigantic fucking balls around to your various destinations. I assume you have gigantic balls, because I did notice that while other drivers passed you on the left and flung profanities at you, they could not dull the enjoyment you seemed to be deriving from Miley Cyrus' - Wreckin Ball song you prided yourself in blasting at a full 11.

So, to close off. I'd just like to leave you with a little tip: DRIVE IN THE FUCKING FAR LEFT LANE, DOUCHENOZZLE! Nobody likes you, the way you drive, your fucking stick-figure family and passion of Johnny Walker and Apple products. We all go home and talk about you, bitch about you in the office and by God, if I had a monster truck, that stick-figure family would have been one stick-daddy smaller.

Kind regards,
Nahuel Graziani