The War of the Birds

The words "Homing Pigeon" tend to bring up a certain imagery of a dove with a message attached to its leg. Movies and popular culture often portray these messenger birds as being commonly used hundreds of years ago as a form of primitive communication. However, while the roots of these feathery mailmen span back some centuries, their usage in critical roles date back as recently as World War II and are rumored to be still used to this day.

The usefulness of pigeons, particularly Rock Pigeons as messengers lies solely on their migration patterns. A pigeon will always return to its place of birth when released and this makes for a perfect vessel of communication due to the low probability of interception. 

Pigeons in wartime were first used during the Franco-Prussian War at a time when Paris was under a four month siege by the Prussians. All communication channels were controlled by The Prussians and the French had little to any form of battlefield communications to coordinate counter-attacks and defenses to the Capital city.

Initially during the siege, pigeons were taken out of Paris via hot air balloon, where upon arrival at their destination, would be released again so they could make their way back to Paris. This was a form of "testing the waters" to see if the pigeons would make it over Prussian lines and into Paris successfully. It was a great success and these operations led to the common usage of the carrier pigeon during the Franco-Prussian war, which was also a pivotal point in wartime intelligence operations.

Pigeons were rounded up from all over Paris and sent to the North of France and vice versa, which helped fuel the French war effort and brought on the advent of Microfilm usage in wartime intelligence operations and communications. The War Pigeon made it's debut during this war and left a footprint that would last well over a century.

The use of War Pigeons saw a massive hike in popularity during World War 1, again by the French which advanced 72 pigeon lofts with their troops at The First Battle of the Marne. What was remarkable about this battle was the nature of the warfare. The French troops successfully stopped the German advance and began pushing the Germans back further and further, all the while their pigeons were still on route from previous orders. Even though the troops had since mobilized from their original positions, the pigeons managed to return to their individual lofts, undeterred by this new change in location.

It was not only the French that adopted the pigeons into their ranks, but the Americans also utilized the pigeons in the war effort. Pigeons were deployed as part of the U.S Army Signal Corps and were used to such an extent that it brought rise to the first wartime decorated pigeon, Cher Ami.

Yes, you're reading that right. A pigeon received the Croix de Guerre for its service during World War 1, and for good reason.

On October 3rd, 1918 the U.S 77th Division was trapped and isolated by German forces in the Argonne Forest. More than 500 men were met with a prolonged barrage of artillery and infantry fire from the Germans, and of the 500 men that embarked on that operation, only 194 remained, trapped and under fire not only from the Germans, but also from their own allies.

Cut off not only from war supplies, but also military rations and water, the division found itself in a horrible position that could not hold much longer. Out of the troop's pigeon lofts, only 3 pigeons remained, with two being shot down by Germans while attempting to communicate the division's distress messages.

Charles White Whittlesy, in command of the division made several unsuccessful attempts at communication through the usage of runners which were either shot down or captured by the German forces. As a last resort, Whittlesy turned to his last racing pigeon, Cher Ami.

Under fire from their own forces due to a lack of communication of position, Cher Ami was dispatched with the following message:

"We are along the road parallel to 276.4. Our own artillery is dropping a barrage directly on us. For heaven's sake, stop it."

Cher Ami's journey was not without its own problems, because as soon as she took flight, she came under heavy fire from the Germans which spotted her. With bullets flying past her continuously, she was eventually hit and dropped out of the skies.

Like a scene out of a movie, Cher Ami took flight once again. Mangled and bloodied, this pigeon managed to make the 40km flight in a mere 25mins where her message not only alleviated the artillery barrage on the troops, but also helped relay their location which led to their rescue.

Cher Ami sustained a wound through the breast, was blinded in one eye and her left leg was hanging on by the tendons, but she managed to deliver this crucial message when it was needed most. Army medics fought vigorously to save her life and made Cher Ami a hero of the 77th division. She earned a Croix de Guerre for this valiant effort and is immortalized today in the Smithsonian Institution.

War Pigeons were not only limited to ground forces, but were also used as a vital communication tool in aerial warfare during World War I. The United States Navy held multiple pigeon stations in France with over 1500 pigeons in total being used. The pigeons traveled in the aircraft and were used to relay important information back to land, such as enemy location, sizes of forces and even distress signals without the plane needing to make a return. This meant more operational time for the pilots and less chance of interception by enemy troops.

World War II saw the highest usage of War Pigeons in history, with over 250,000 racing pigeons being deployed in the war by the United Kingdom alone. This large use of the homing pigeon during the war inspired Walt Disney's 2005 animated film Valiant, which follows the story of a woodland pigeon that aspires to join the Royal Homing Pigeon Service during World War II, The story portrays the struggles of these pigeons in service as they try to fulfill their duties in spite of the threat of Germany's Falcon Brigade.

While it's an entertaining kid's story, there is some truth to this fictitious tale.

Falcons  were indeed trained to intercept messenger pigeons, but not by Germans. MI5, a  British Intelligence and Security Agency trained special squad of Peregrine Falcons to intercept Nazi carrier pigeons and interrupt specialized communications.

As many as 32 pigeons received the Dickin Medal for their roles in World War II.  Many of these birds not only saved the lives of hundreds of soldiers, but also relayed vital information between battalions that helped the advancement of the war effort.  They formed the backbone of communications, helped immensely during intelligence operations through the use of photography and assisted in filling a void that was present in wartime correspondence.

Today, technology has made War Pigeons irrelevant in modern combat. Instant communication, drone surveillance and satellite imagining means that these once valuable animals have been retired from the usage in warfare and are bred for recreational purposes. While they may not find a place in today's armies, the pigeon will always be prized for its endurance and determination in finding its way back home.

The Da Vinci Code: A Series of Terrible Decisions - Part 3.

After a very dramatic song and dance reveal from Sir Teabing about the hidden meaning of Leonardo Da Vinci's 'The Last Supper' mural, the group is abruptly interrupted by Silas, an escaped felon that's into S&M, who was reformed by the church and used as a tool to cover up the hidden bloodline and keep it under wraps.

                                 Nobody told me the Slim Shady do was out. 

Silas came for the Cryptex, a protected puzzle-box which supposedly contains the whereabouts of Mary Magdalene's body. After holding everyone up at gunpoint, Silas is caught off guard by the back end of Sir Teabing's walking-stick, which incapacitates Silas long enough for The Da Vinci Coders to take him hostage and make a rapid escape before the police show up.

Putting myself in Robert Langdon's shoes, it's very hard to not imagine me having a moment of clarity and realizing how absurd everything has become. From becoming implicated in multiple murders, evading police in car chases, being held up at gun point two times and now holding a hostage, I'd be pressed not to reflect that my decision-making skills may not be up to par.

However, Robert Langdon is not a man to worry about small details such as these. No, he's got bigger fish to fry, he's got to unravel a 2000 year old mystery and time is of the essence. 

Albino monk hostage in tow, the mystery-solving threesome make a getaway in Teabing's plane and get the their asses out of France before the French police come raining down on them. Once airborne, they figure out that their next point of interest is in England and change their flight path accordingly. 

On course to England, the French police contact the London police services to apprehend the trio at the airport. However, they did not account on the pilot breaking various air-traffic laws and protocols (and probably losing his license in the process) and making a quick nip into a hangar, which buys Sophie and Langdon enough time to disembark the plane and hide in Teabing's car before the police get there. 

Oh, and Albino monk as well. They managed to get him in the car too.

Off they go to Temple Church where effigies are scattered around in various poses. "A knight with his legs crossed means he has been to the Holy Land" says Teabing with confidence. Which is a cool piece of trivia, but incorrect. There are a lot of misconceptions regarding the cross-legged knights meaning, but the common understanding is that is signifies dignified reverence of the Christian Faith. Nothing about going to the Holy Land. If you've lived your life by The Book, then you get to have a relaxed-looking effigy.

                                                         Oh, you know. Just chillin'.

Once again, Silas the Albino Monk shows up out of nowhere with a knife. He takes Sophie hostage and demands the Cryptex. Remy enters with a gun and reveals himself to be working alongside Silas, he too demands the Cryptex.

What's this...like the third time that Robert Langdon has had a gun in his face?

With the Cryptex in his possession, Silas takes Teabing as a hostage and leaves Remy to finish Sophie and Langdon off. Divine intervention in the form of white doves flapping overhead distract Remy long enough for Sophie and Langdon to make an escape. Curses, foiled again by those damn doves.

Remy cuts his losses and heads off in the car with Silas and Teabing as a hostage. It's at this point that Remy reveals himself to Silas as "The Teacher", an orchestrator and coordinator of the coverup plan. Remy and Silas part ways and it cuts to a scene of Remy talking to the true "Teacher" who turns out to be none other than Teabing himself, who obviously murders Remy. Obviously.

Sophie and Langdon continue on their literal hunt for the Holy Grail after escaping near-death at the hands of Remy. Sophie honeypots a kid on the bus into letting them use his phone and with it they use Google to establish that they are actually looking for Isaac Newton who was buried by Alexander Pope and not literally "A pope" as they read it. So off they go to Westminster Abbey where Newton is buried.

Upon arrival and some clever detective work from Sophie, they discover Teabing there who reveals himself to be "The Teacher". He has been after The Grail for his own personal desires, being that he wishes to reveal Jesus' mortality to the world. It's at this point that he holds the two hostage and tries to intimidate Sophie into opening the Cryptex, which she is unable to do.

                                                       Open it! 

                                  Dude, I can't even solve a Rubik's Cube. 

Langdon steps up to the plate and offers a crack at it. He goes into super-autistic mode and start to visualize all the different combinations of letters relating to Isaac Newton. He cracks the code, does some amazing David Copperfield-like sleight of hand and pockets the note before sealing the Cryptex and saying he can't solve it.

Before Teabing can react to this, Langdon plays a little Bangkok Rules and throws the Cryptex in the air, making Teabing rush to catch it and drop the gun. The Cryptex landed on the ground and cracked, vinegar pouring out of it and tears pouring out of Teabing's face.

Detective Fache storms in at this point and arrests Teabing. He managed to figure things out for himself through his journey and only takes Langdon and Sophie down to the precinct for questioning. Their names have been cleared. What a fucking ride.

But it's not over because Langdon managed to Houdini the papyrus scroll.

The scroll directs them to Scotland, where they discover some hidden Da Vinci paintings and the place where Mary Magdalene's body once rested. They establish that Sophie is indeed part of Jesus' royal bloodline and she is a descendant of Christ. The rest of the Priory of Sion show up with some of Sophie's remaining relatives and they fill her in on further details and confirm Langdon's findings.

Sophie and Langdon part ways and Langdon figures out the poem which suggests that the body of Mary Magdalene has been beneath the pyramid at the Louvre all along. Funnily enough, the pyramid was the first thing Langdon noticed at the start of the movie and mentioned it's uniqueness.

                                 

From becoming an international fugitive to cracking the world's oldest riddle, Robert Langdon has done it all in the two and a half very long hours this movie takes. He evaded police, murderers, had multiple guns pointed at him and ultimately walked away from it all victorious and unscathed. All in all, it was a mighty quest which could have been avoided if he didn't take Sophie's message to heart, but in the end the risk was outweighed by the benefits of uncovering the world's biggest secret - that Jesus was just a carpenter.

The Da Vinci Code: A Series of Terrible Decisions - Part 2.

Robert Langdon is not a man known for having the best judgment as outlined in my previous post about the first 30mins of The Da Vinci Code. From purposefully incriminating himself, endangering priceless paintings and civilian lives on the streets of Paris, to blindly following the every whim of a woman he just met, because he's Robert Langdon.

The average person would most likely draw the line probably somewhere between becoming a foreign fugitive and getting chased by the cops through the tiniest little alleys in Paris, but not Robert Langdon. 

                              I'm starting to think that Sophie's not really into me. 

                                     

No, Robert Langdon is not deterred by all of this, even when taken through a lesser-traveled part of Paris, rife with open prostitution and drug abuse. Sure, the cops aren't going to come look for them here, but shit, if one of the abundant crackheads decide to take a knife to them, the cops aren't going to be on their way to help either. 

But I suppose that when you're France's No. 1 fugitive, the police are the last friends you need. You need a friend that can help you, preferably one that is close by and happens to be incredibly wealthy and coincidentally the most knowledgeable person about this particular topic on the planet.  

You need a friend like Gandalf. 

Well, not actually Gandalf, but Sir Ian McKellen's character, Sir Leigh Teabing, who in some weird way, is the Gandalf of The Da Vinci Code. 

And this is where I start veering off track from Robert Langdon for a bit and want to start addressing some inaccuracies in the movie, so let me just get down to Sir Teabing's analysis.

And in case the video doesn't embed properly, see the Youtube link here.

Now, that's a wonderful interpretation, but it's missing one important fact being that there were 12 disciples/apostles and if Mary Magdalene  had been one, that would mean that the painting's depiction of the Last Supper was incorrect. 

But for the sake of this, let's continue with your interpretation, Gandalf. 

During the contrast of the painting, where he isolates Jesus and "Mary", Teabing shows that the negative space between them represents a chalice. He then further drives his point home by pointing out that there is in fact, no grail on the table and negative space between them itself is the chalice. Which is all good for the film's purposes, but it's missing something crucial.

The Holy Grail is not necessarily a chalice/cup. It's also widely known as a plate or saucer, which would throw all of Mr. Teabing's CSI-like detective work out of the window. In fact, the earliest mentions of the Holy Grail derive from a 12th century French poet named Chrétien de Troyes, who describes the grail as being a decorated chalice which he saw being transported (along with many other wonderful objects) while dining in the abode of Fisher King. He makes no mention of Holy implications or being the vessel in The Last Supper.

No, The Holy Grail being a divine object used in The Last Supper originates from another 12th Century French poet named Robert de Boron who tied the Holy Grail to Christianity. Prior to this, the Grail was never mentioned in Eastern Christian sources. Not once. Ever. 

                                      Yeah, that's just a random cup, Indy. 

Furthermore, there is no book called "The Gospel of Mary Magdalene", It's actually just The Gospel of Mary which is a very controversial "book" in itself as scholars still cannot agree whether it referenced Mary, wife of Joseph or Mary Magdalene. The Gospel of Mary is also an incomplete set of texts and thus not recognized as canonical. 

All facts considered, without these inaccuracies, there probably wouldn't have been any grounds for Mr. Dan Brown to base his book, so let's continue taking a look at Robert Langdon's own inaccuracies in symbolism. 

Langdon's presentation about symbolism is a misinterpreted clusterfuck, particularly the images shown of the Peace Sign/Witch's Foot/Crow's Foot which is supposed to be a representation of Christ hanging upside down on a crucifix. 

While it's nifty concept, it's also completely wrong. Firstly, because the peace symbol is in fact a two initials representing the flag semaphore signals for "N" and "D", which are the initials for Nuclear Disarmament. You can see the signals here.

So, where does the Crow/Witch's foot come from? 

Well, for that answer, we'll have to delve into a bit American history regarding the Vietnam war. During the war, the peace sign was not seen favorably due its liberal use among hippies and protesters against the war itself. With war being as profitable as it is, an effort was made to discredit the Peace Symbol and tie in to communism, satanism and Nazism. Basically, anything that the American populace feared was tied into the Peace Sign. The first mention of this is in Peace Symbols: The Truth about Those Strange Designs, published in a 1970 issue of American Opinion , by The John Birch Society, a radical right fundamental Christian Political group.

This is why we can't have nice things. 

Next post will tackle more Robert Langdon and the terrible decisions he makes in The Da Vinci Code. 

The Da Vinci Code: A Series of Terrible Decisions.

For some inexplicable reason, I dust off my copy of The Da Vinci Code every year and give it an annual viewing. There's nothing about the film itself that makes the movie stand out as a particularly good movie, yet I feel compelled to give it a watch every so often because my inner child loves Easter-egg hunts and can't get enough of them.

Having never read the book which the movie is based off, it's very hard to say if a lot of the faults I picked up in the movie were derived from shitty writing on the author's or film-writer's sides. 

One glaring issue that was prevalent throughout the movie is that Robert Langdon is a dumbass. He's an intelligent dumbass, but a dumbass nonetheless. 

                                  Actor Tom Hanks, most popularly known for

                                   screaming at a Volleyball. 

If there is any fundamental message I took from the movie, it's that nothing should be taken at face-value and we should question everything. 

Not Robert Langdon, though, he's the exception. 

As the viewer, we get to see all the events unfold from everyone's perspective, giving us insight to how the story unravels. With this knowledge, we get a clear view of what is happening and are able to side with the protagonists in the story, which have been clearly outlined. The movie makes sense from this perspective.

However, thrust into Langdon's shoes, the story changes to a series of terrible decisions. 

So, let's start from the beginning and try to understand some of the logic into Langdon's decision-making:

Robert Langdon, a Harvard University Professor, is in Paris at the same time a prominent Curator in the Lourve is murdered. Langdon is then summoned by Interpol to the Louvre to try and establish a connection between the murder and himself.

Upon arrival, Langon is greeted by a detective which skimps out on many details about what is actually happening until they're at the crime scene. A naked body lies on the floor with a bloody pentagram depicted on his chest and a UV marker in his hand. 

Closer examination with a UV light reveals a message ending in "PS. Find Robert Langdon" next to the body. It would be at this point that the average person would start to question why the deceased would have asked for him...or even have had a UV pen on him at the time of death, but not Robert Langdon.

                               The Vitruvian Man has really let himself go. 

While examining the scene, a police Cryptographer approaches Langdon and gives him a cellphone, telling him there is a message waiting for him. Langdon hears the message, which is a voice-note from the same Cryptographer telling him he is in grave danger and he should not trust the detective. Langdon heeds her advise and treads carefully around the detective. 

Now, let's hold up a little bit. 

Some woman you have never met approaches you, hands you a message telling you that you're in danger and you're going to trust her over the Interpol detective? 

Riiiiight. 

                                   Come with me if you want to live. 

After hearing the message, Langdon excuses himself to the bathroom where much to his surprise, the same Cryptographer lady is there and informs him that she is the deceased's grand-daughter. She tells him he is in grave danger, that he will die if they don't solve the murder and that the Interpol detectives are tracking him. She reveals to Langdon that he has a tracking device in his pocket and convinces him to evade the detectives and solve the murder with her like an episode of Scooby-Doo. 

Any sane person would have taken a step back and seen that this woman was clearly struck with grief and was having some sort of mental episode after the loss of her grandfather. Any sane person would realize that you're in enough shit, just for having your name written at a murder scene, so running away with a crazy grief-struck woman that is rambling about conspiracy is probably not the best course of action, but not Robert Langdon. 

No, Robert Langdon decides right then and there that he trusts this little lady enough to become a fugitive and prime suspect for the murder, so they toss the tracking unit out of the window and wait for the detectives to chase the rabbit so they can have the crime-scene all to themselves. 

                                                        Race you to your grandfather's body! 

Langdon and Sophie start examining the crime-scene and start looking for clues. They find a breadcrumb trail of clues around the body and start examining the surrounding exhibits closer. I just want to point out that there were two very large blood trails which the previous detectives missed, for some reason. 

The series of clues left by Sophie's Dr Seuzz-like grandpappy leads them behind a Da Vinci painting, which once moved reveals a hidden item behind it called the Fleur-de-lis. They take this important piece of evidence with them and head off to solve mysteries a-la Nancy Drew Adventures. 

The two get inside Sophie's Smart Car and begin evading police. They head straight to the US Embassy where they are greeted by a French Police blockade which are searching for them. They have a small conversation about it and Langdon decides to continue his adventure with Sophie. 

Surely, when you're at the point in your life that a foreign police force is searching for you bad enough to blockade your embassy (which means that the case is severe enough to damage diplomatic relations), you'd stop yourself long enough to reflect on your current decision process, but not Robert Langdon. 

Then, just to wrack up the 5-star GTA wanted level, they peel away from the scene with the cops following them. This leads to a crazy car-chase through the streets of a very crowded Paris, breaking countless traffic laws and endangering people. Robert Langdon remains composed throughout this ordeal. He may not have the correct foresight into his current action's future consequences, but boy does Robert Langdon have balls of steel. 

There's just so much wrong so far, and it's only the first 30mins into the movie. Tomorrow's post will go more in-depth into Langdon's terrible decision making for the latter half of the film.

                   Robert Langdon doesn't do what he does for Robert Langdon. Robert Langdon                                     does what  Robert Langdon does because he is Robert Langdon! 

Outsourcing You.

Growing up in the 90's had it's perks. It felt like a time when things were progressing towards the future. Mom threw away those shoulder pads from the 80's, Dad bought a car that wasn't sharp and square and I was introduced to gaming for the very first time.

Since then, gaming consumed me. It became a pivotal point in my life, of which lots of friendships were formed from this mutual hobby. We would play games at every opportunity and discuss them among each other, share games, watch each other play games and pretend play we were the gaming characters.

Pre-internet, there were a lot of myths around games. Gaming rumors were spread via word of mouth, magazines and even on gaming-related shows like Cybernet. These rumors spanned from being able to jump over the flag in Super Mario Bros. to seeing boobies in Mortal Kombat's "Nudeality" finishers. However, no myth piqued our interest as much as the "Game Tester" myth. 

Like a scene straight out of Inception, the idea of being paid to play games became us, it consumed us and it was all we could ever dream of doing. While all the other kids had great and noble aspirations for the future, we had our hearts and minds set on working for a big game developer like Electronic Arts, Apogee or id Software. 

Since then, the gaming industry seems to have snuffed out the game-tester all together. Sure, large developers still have in-house game-testers, but the nature of the capitalist beast has evolved to the point that we now pay them to test the games, not the other way around as I pictured it when I was younger. 

This comes in the form of paid early-access games, pre-alpha releases and Kickstarters. 

It's understandable, though. People, by nature, are impatient. We want to be at the head of the queue, beat traffic to get home faster and in the gaming scene, it seems that we are willing to pay in order to play an unfinished product which is still in development. 

Game developers are more than aware of this, which is why this trend is emerging more and more frequently. The supple teets of the cash-cow have an allure that is difficult to resist and we, the consumer, are dumb and/or impatient enough to give in to this temptation dangling before us like a delicious carrot on a stick. 

The practice itself is not detrimental to the gaming industry, though. The games get additional funding while in development and at the same time, the game itself is being constantly scrutinized by the players, ensuring that a good quantity of bugs or gameplay changes will be fixed or changed for the benefit of the final product. Two birds, one cup. (I think that's how the saying goes). 

Obviously, a system where you're paying for a product before it's completed is bound to be a gamble to the consumer. If the game is scrapped, put in developer limbo or comes short of what was originally advertised, then you're out of your hard-earned money and somebody else benefits from your gullibility.

However, I saw something recently which blew my mind and left a most bitter, sour taste in my mouth. 

H1Z1, a zombie survival game being developed by Sony Online Entertainment just recently got an early-access release on Steam at the entry level price of $19.99. This is not an unusual price for an early-access game, as early-access prices are usually substantially lower than final release, full retail price. 

No, what was unusual about the price was the fact that there was a price at all, since H1Z1 will be a free to play game. 

If I could go back and show younger-me this, he would probably not be able to wrap his mind around the concept, and rightfully so. It feels like the greediest, most opportunistic thing that could be done and I'm surprised that not many people are up-in-arms about it. 

Sony Online Entertainment has justified this price by including event tickets (a marketplace cash-item) in the early-access release, but it doesn't feel equatable to that sum of money. What is boils down to is basic human greed at the exploitation of willing others and because of this, that kid inside of me with a passion towards the development and testing of games is withering away. 

It scares me to think what the future may hold for the gaming consumer. What other underhanded practices will emerge as things like this become more frequent and we keep giving in to them. 

The problem doesn't lie with the game developers, project managers or publishers behind these decisions. It lies with us, the consumers. The reason that a company can get away with charging you for something that is free is because we are willing to pay for it. We are showing them that there is a market, no matter what they throw at us or what unethical practices are put in place and I don't see that changing any time soon.

Until that time comes, I'm committing myself to not purchase or support any early-access, kickstarter or Alpha game unless it's proven itself to be worth the money, time and manages to please the kid in me that is still dying to test out games. 

Welcome to Mozambique!

I arrive at Nampula airport at 13:25. As soon as the small aircraft's door is swung open and I step out, I am greeted by a drenching humidity in the air that makes my lungs feel like I've pulled a bong with too much water in it. Beads of sweat instantly start rolling down the sides of my face. It's 36'c, welcome to Nampula, Mozambique.

The plane parked directly in front of the airport and it's a short walk to the terminal. Inside, there is a small desk with two airport personnel behind it. A petite Mozambican woman is weaving through the line with a hand-written piece of paper asking the passengers if we have had our Yellow Fever shots. None of them have had one, I blame the travel agents.

We're each given a small piece of paper for us to do our air-transfer documentation. No pens are provided. A few of us have pens with us and we soon become the leaders of this pack - the seeing among the blind, the saviors of Nampula Terminal. We fill out our forms and make our way to the desk. Everybody gets their stamps, it's going swimmingly. I present my passport to the two gentlemen and hear "ah Argentina! Lionel Messi! Football, no?" I say "Yes, football." They tell me to stand one side for some reason. The midget woman is still asking me if I've had my Yellow Fever shot. I'm getting real tired of this bitch's shit.

After everyone has collected their luggage and gone, I'm still standing in front of the desk. "You come." said one of the men and I grabbed my luggage and proceeded to follow. We walk through the apparently defunct metal detector and into the main terminal. It's small, hot and reeks of fish and desperation. He motions for me to walk up a small flight of stairs and into a dinky little room with three bewildered looking men sitting inside. He points to a couch and says "seeet", I seeet.

It's been 30mins now and nobody has acknowledged my existence. These three guys continue to do their work, oblivious to my desperation to get the fuck out of there. I watch them and learn their ways. It's a complex security system they have developed to handle the influx of new arrivals. One of the men takes the flight manifesto and writes all the people's passport origins on a piece of blank A4 paper and hands it to the guy on the couch next to me, that guy then takes the sheet and transfers all the information to a cellphone where he sends it in a text to God knows where. The third person is then counting documents. Hundreds of documents. These documents too, were a mystery I could not solve.

Looking around that office gave me some insight as to what sort of planning and management the country is enduring. There is a brand new Samsung air-conditioner above the windows with the power plug dangling in the air. I see that 20cm from the end of the plug is the plug point - an extension cable could do the trick, but there didn't seem to be one at hand. There is a small unoccupied desk in the corner of the room in immaculate upkeep, yet they decided to work here, on this couch, with documents on their laps. I presume it to be someone else's desk. I don't really care at this point, I just want to get my VISA.

Pushing towards the end of an hour and a short man dressed in military attire enters the room. He looks at me, looks at the other three people, looks back at me and then begins speaking Portuguese. I do the common "Don't understand" gesture with my hand, as if swiveling a plate in my open palm. He seemed to understand this and proceeds to talk to the other three fellows, they answer him, not looking up from their current task. It's at this point that Military Man loses his shit and begins raising his voice and waving his arms about. I don't really understand what he was saying, but I presume he was referring to them making me wait, because his body language wasn't exactly coming across as saying "You guys are doing a great job! I just thought I'd pop in here and let you know that!".

They shuffle whatever they were busy with to one side and reluctantly wave me over to a small chair in front of a whiteboard in the corner. There's a camera in front of me - it's a 2mp webcam from 1999 that looks like it came bundled with an AOL package. He lifts up a blanket and begins tinkering with a computer. "Front face" he says, so I front face. He takes a photo and motions for me to stand up and come over to him. There's a small fingerprint scanner on the desk and he holds up his right index finger and says "Finger first", I index finger firsted as instructed. He raises his left index finger and says "Now finger two", so I put my left index down on the scanner and finger two. "Muy bon" he says as he turns on an Epson printer that is so old, that the white finish has now turned yellow.

Then nothing happens.

We wait and wait for a print that is clearly not coming any time soon. I look at the guy and shrug my shoulders, as if to say "what now?" and he calls one of the other men over to help him. This was my most frustrating moment thus far from the whole experience and where the language barrier was the most prevalent. Watching these two working on this poor PC was like watching someone drive your car - sure, they can drive it, but you'll always have some criticism as to how they do it. I don't know how many times I saw them try print the document and watched as the print queue grew larger and larger with each push of the print icon. How do you even say "Have you tried turning it off and on again?" in Portuguese?

It's 20 mins after my Visa is supposedly done and I'm still waiting for this print. There's 4 people involved now, trying to get this print working. Everything from checking the ink, paper, plug points - everything. It's so fucking sad that me entering this country is solely dependent on a R400 canon printer from the early 2000's. Eventually, one of the geniuses does something right and it's spitting copies of my Visa one after another. How do you say "Just cancel the other jobs" in Portugese? I don't know, because if I did I would not have waited for this man to collect 30 identical copies of the same document, as if expecting the last one to be different.

I just got into the country and I wanted to go back already.

Zombies, Beans and Bandits

Dean Hall's (AKA Rocket) popular Arma II mod, DayZ, made it's way into it's own standalone game about a month ago and has already sold over a million copies in it's Alpha stage. That's got to say something about the unique gameplay design, or the current demand for this type of sandbox.

Having extensively played the Arma II mod of DayZ, I could not wait to get my feet wet in the standalone. So I picked it up on launch day and have been playing it on and off since it's release. It's time-consuming, unforgiving and has a really high learning curve, but beyond that, it's wonderfully broken and fun.

However, being an Alpha, there is a lot of stuff not yet implemented in the game at this current stage, so if you're the type of person that enjoys going on an Easter-egg hunt for increasingly better loot, you're going to have a bad time. There is only a limited selection of items in the game and a lot of them have no actual usefulness at the moment.

Besides the lack of loot, there is also a scarcity of zombies in this game. Being a post-apocalyptic, zombie survival game, you would expect the zombies themselves to be abundant, but they are seldom found in huge, threatening packs and even so, they pose no actual threat as they are now. You can literally walk circles around them and they will not be able to hit you. Might as well change the zombie model to carrots, because they pose the same level of threat to you.

So, since the loot is limited and the zombies are broken, what is there really to be achieved at the end-game?

Well, the truth of it is that if you have the loot you want, you can either log off until new content has been added, or seek out player interactions. There's no incentive to keep exploring and there's no real timesink to be had when reaching end-game, like building bases or planting crops. However, that's not to say that the end-game is dead, since there is always banditry.

Banditry is a bit of a broad term, considering that everyone in the game classifies you as bandit, should you do something against them. For example, I don't consider people that kill players on sight bandits - they are murderers/psychopaths. In my books, a bandit is a person that approaches you, interacts with you and ultimately holds you up and takes your stuff or kills you. Some times, they make you drink disinfectant or eat rotten fruit and some times, they take your clothes and make you run from town to town naked, wearing only a pink hat - That's banditry.

This is what the end-game comes down to. You can either be nice to everyone, eat your beans like a fucking neanderthal with a screwdriver and die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become a bandit. The game bottlenecks you into player interactions as your end-game reward, and without it, all you would do is end up searching buildings, looking for food and water while waiting for content patches to drop so you can rinse and repeat.

How can ruining another player's game experience be any fun?

Ruining? No, no, no. You got real bandits all wrong. We don't want to ruin your fun, we want to enhance it. We want to give you an experience that you'll be laughing about for days. Killing someone on sight can be considered shitting on someone's enjoyment, but holding them up and making them sing "I'm a little teapot" while shooting around his feet? That's an experience you're not going to forget. We don't even want to kill you. All we want is for you to entertain us, since there is no actual end-game but this.

All of this got me thinking, though. How does the way we play DayZ and interact with people in-game reflect on us as society? Since there is nobody to regulate rules or laws, it brings out our inner demons and enforces the idea that we are all inherently evil, just waiting for the opportunity. You can't trust anybody in DayZ any more and anybody is potentially an enemy. It's the Wild West, minus all the cool looking hats and Mexicans.

Maybe it's because the zombies are not really a threat and we don't actually need to work together to survive them? When we are the biggest predator in the game, it's very difficult for social cohesion to happen without a common threat or enemy figure. Perhaps when the zombies get fixed we will see some new type of social dynamics, where people will group up to help each other, instead of grouping up to kill each other.

Until then, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to hold you up, make you sing, feed you things that no person should be fed and ultimately make you my tap-dancing monkey, since it's the greatest form of enjoyment that I can currently derive from this game.